I had always played sports and been athletic. I loved competing and absolutely hated to lose. In middle school and junior high, I played volleyball, basketball, and ran track. Wait. I attempted to run track – the hurdles most definitely humbled me, so track season didn’t last long for me. I had two tough volleyball and basketball coaches that had very high expectations for us as seventh and eighth graders. And I know my actions didn’t show it then, but I thought they were the coolest coaches and aspired to be like them one day.
Singing was also a big passion of mine, but I only performed in my room, in front of two full length mirrors, with the door completely shut. I would say locked, but I remember my brother coming in during some of my performances and me yelling at him to, “get out!” The only time I got the nerve to perform in public was with my best friend in 5th grade. We sang, “How Do I Live?” by LeAnn Rimes. We did a little one step sway back and forth as we took turns singing and wore matching dresses. I also recorded all the top, weekly countdown songs from 101.1 The Beat so that I could memorize the lyrics and sing along when I heard them on the radio again. It’s really too bad I’ve always been afraid of pursuing music publicly because I have loved it for so long.
Toward the end of junior high, I gave more of my attention to magazines like Seventeen, Teen, Teen People, and YM for influence on what I should wear, how I should style my hair, and the current makeup trends. I loved all the drama on the show 90210 and Saved by the Bell. I watched MTV and looked up to Mariah Carey, Brandy, Faith Hill, Deana Carter, Aaliyah, Destiny’s Child, and yes, Britney Spears back then was #goals. They became my idols – how they sang, their sexuality, how they dressed; my goals had begun to shift from athletic tomboy, which I’d always been, to wearing name brand clothes, going to the tanning bed, and taking quizzes in the magazines to find answers to questions like: “are you good enough?” or “ways to fit in” and “is your horoscope compatible with his?” I chased every worldly thing I could get my hands on.